Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.