Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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put ‘er there pardner!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Noted.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.