My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
This is not me but this is me
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Safety first
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.