My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.