My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
much to think about
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.