Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
That lamp looks PISSED.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.