How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later


Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.


Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.


If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.


Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..


EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer


Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!


my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it


‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.