How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.