@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

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@whatmaddness

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

@trashcanbee

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@UnFitz

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

@Cornjerker78

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

@GirrlGenius

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

@greek_heanen

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@pro_worrier_

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

@wolfpupy

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.