Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
You Might Also Like
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I love the honesty
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.