My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
BETRAYAL