I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Feel. He’s so soft.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
For the baby who has everything
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house