I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
There are no pants in heaven.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Uh oh…