Coffee is ready.
You Might Also Like
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Haha good job!!
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!