when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Smooooooth
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20