I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that