Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.