Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Seas the day!!!!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.