The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute