🤣😈🤣
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
When I said I liked it rough.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
when someone rings the doorbell
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.