馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
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I鈥檓 in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
bury ourselves
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Don鈥檛 drink water and stay hydrated it鈥檚 a hoax
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
At least broken people are interesting. You can鈥檛 fix boring.