(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
fixed it
I finally found a reason to live again.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock