@notnotreading
@TheFirstDudish People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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@TheFirstDudish 
@claire_mudie NOT all policemen are strippers.
@mommajessiec Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
@Aikiwomannc Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
@minkpinkustink the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
@Lisa_Laughs_ Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
@TEXASVETERAN I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
@Leemanish Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
@Storminika During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
@TuSoonShakur I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.