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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.