Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD