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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.