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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Yeah. This was me today.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”