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@KalvinMacleod

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@pabstdriver

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

@zachreinert0

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD