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@TheFirstDudish

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

@Aikiwomannc

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@Storminika

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

@TuSoonShakur

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.