“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
me hitting on a model
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…