Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”