I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.