Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You Might Also Like
And bowling should be called pinball
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
handsome & gretel
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.