Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Every BBC series about the universe.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.