They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
mom had nothing to worry about
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.