it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner