Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The funk soul brother
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid