Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.