Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Called it
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET