*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.