me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I have never related to anyone more.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology