Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
You Might Also Like
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl