Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
this is uni
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now