me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
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[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I will never stop laughing at this
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Meanwhile in Canada…
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?