I will never stop laughing at this
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The struggle is real
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri