[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.