When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
How do you like your Corgi?
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[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.