I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Mood.. 😂
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.