Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.