PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
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Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.