[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist