If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*sewing*
A thread
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no