If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
he looks great for his age
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?