Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
the noise i just made
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.