Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
oh good, now I can stop drinking