Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. π
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, Iβm going.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
What do you mean your dog doesnβt have a middle name. How does he know when youβre angry.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but Iβm 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on βbon appetiteβ and blurted out βmea culpa,β but she seemed fine with it.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says βwill work around red flags.β
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you donβt understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but theyβll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Peace was never an option
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?