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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
respect
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.