corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up