5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
What’s a Messi?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.