[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Rambo Rambow
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?