*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up