Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”